As a little disclaimer, I’m very cynical about marriage.
In the last year or so, I’ve seen about 15 of my acquaintances get married.  Most of them are happy, which makes me happy.  It’s the few of them that are NOT happy that make me take a hard look at marital dynamics, and whether or not it’s something I’m ready to dive into.
Must someone be in love to get married? Â Does the love have to stay strong throughout the marriage? Â What happens when a couple gets married, not realizing that they’re actually not in love, but instead just “taking the next step” in their relationship?
The three people I know who just got married who aren’t happy fall into the category. Â All of them had been dating for between four and six years, and the ultimatum came up: marry me, or I’m outta here.
It’s a tough situation, really, and I don’t fully understand it. Â It’s all or nothing. Â But when someone gives that ultimatum, are they really in love? Â Because ending something so suddenly indicates (to me) that there was no love in the relationship, just complacency.
I’ll need to start thinking more about these things before posting them–my ideas suddenly vanished, though I’m interested in hearing your perspective.
Hmm well I agree you shouldn’t get married just because it is expected. Marriage is something you do when you truly know you want to be with that other person.
However, if you’ve been dating for four to six years and you still don’t love the other person enough to marry them, or don’t know if you do; then you probably never will love them enough to marry them. Chances are you’ll really know if you do.
In some ways, it’s good for the people to think about it and decide either way. Why waste time with someone you won’t ever be in love with, when there could be someone out there who you will want that future? Otherwise you’re just prolonging the inevitable and hurting the other person and yourself by not wanting to rock the boat. I think women are more worried about such things because of the whole age thing that’s put on them by society and well biology. Both men and women feel the pressure from friends and associates when their whole social circle starts getting married. Some how you start to feel out of the loop or left behind. You may be the last single girl or guy…but hey at least you can find out what and who makes you happy. Then when you find it you’ll want to hold onto it.
yah the pressures to get married can be like the pressures to buy your first house (in australia at least) or to do anything else that means you’re “progressing” in life. i really hate it! we should try to be immune to those societal and cultural pressures and do what we feel is right and in line with our personal goals. on a personal and maybe superficial note, i’m afraid of marriage cos you could start to become a boring person! i’ve been trapped in a few conversations with young married couples regarding knife sets and mortgage brokers and it was just suicidal.
the ultimatum issue is tricky – while i can understand both sides, think you’re right that ultimatums are just not the best way to deal with a situation. no one likes to be given an ultimatum, it feels disrespectful, or something – i can’t find the right word