Archive for September, 2011

Email Signature

Monday, September 19th, 2011

From now on, when I get a message from someone with a ridiculously long email signature, I’m going to add: Should you have received this message in error, please print 1,500 copies of it on a laser (not inkjet) printer, and create 10 copies of each of the print outs. Then, affix an Avery 5160 label with 15,000 random addresses taken from the Los Angeles County edition of the white pages to envelopes. Use the address of your choice as a return address. Do not affix a stamp to the envelope, but deposit the envelopes with the printed email message into the following distribution: 1,000 into 10 mail boxes, and 5,000 into the main post office. Do so surreptitiously so as not to arouse suspicion. If you are the intended recipient, please read this email in its entirety, and ensure that you fully comprehend the contents of the message. Should you (henceforth known as “Recipient”) decide to contact the Sender (henceforth known as “Sender”), Recipient should get Sender’s contact information, then Recipient should contact Sender.

Jury Duty

Friday, September 2nd, 2011

At this precise moment (as opposed to after-the-fact), I am sitting on a wooden bench outside of a jury room. It is a very uncomfortable bench, filled with the shallow carvings of tags, names, and the scratches of years of use. Across from me sits a coffee shop, likely with overpriced snacks for jurors to consume while awaiting…more waiting. My lower back is starting to hurt, as the faux-brick over concrete provides little lumbar support. People are reading, napping, talking, and trying to make the best of this time.

And it hasn’t even started yet.

I wonder why jury service has to be so bad. I think it’s the uncertainty that makes it so tough. Will I have to go in? For how long will I have to wait? Will I get on a jury? For how long will I have to be in a trial? Worst of all, how will this impact my life?

If I hadn’t been called in just now, I would be on a tennis court right now learning to improve my backhand and net play. This afternoon, I was supposed to be on a conference call with a client. But these plans have been dashed, all for the whims of jury service. When will it be over? Will I be able to take that conference call if I’m not called for a jury? How much work will I be able to do?

I’m looking forward to getting out of here.

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